Episode 49: Before Midnight (2013)
How do fights get out of hand? What does intractable conflict look like? Why are truth and harmony sometimes at odds? Alarmed and distressed, Paul and Eli spend one last day with Jesse and Céline in Before Midnight, the third and final installment of Richard Linklater’s unflinching and unparalleled “Before Trilogy.”
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Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel
Intro
1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?
2:50: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap
4:00: What is our relationship to this movie?
What the movie gets right
7:40: (Paul) The demand-withdraw pattern is less about gender than about challenges to the status quo
Gender, social structure, and demand/withdraw study by Dr. Christensen
Demands and withdrawal in newlyweds study by Dr. Vogel
10:10: (Paul) Many of the things couples fight about don’t actually have resolutions
69% of conflicts are intractable review by Dr. Gottman
11:20: (Eli) Relationship power emerges from the level of fulfillment we can provide (or withhold)
Relationship power and the principle of lesser interest book by Dr. Waller
Inequality in emotional involvement study by Dr. Sprecher
The relationship power inventory study by Dr. Farrell
14:30: (Paul) During conflict, we continually confront the choice to escalate or de-escalate
Negative reciprocity and contempt in marital communication review by Dr. Gottman
18:00: (Paul) Perspective-taking is beneficial in negotiation because it helps to identify win-win solutions
Why it pays to get Inside the head of your opponent study by Dr. Galinsky
People expect generosity in negotiations with romantic partners study by Dr. Ramirez-Fernandez
20:50: (Paul) External, almost random, events can reverberate in a relationship across time
22:40: (Paul) Negative behaviors tend to be more powerful than positive behaviors
Bad is stronger than good review by Dr. Baumeister
24:00: (Eli) Claiming the mantle of victimhood can be a power-play in relationships
Victimhood: The most powerful force in morality and politics review by Dr. Gray
Narcissistic people claim the mantle of virtuous victimhood study by Dr. Ok
The psychology of competitive victimhood review by Dr. Noor
28:00: (Eli) Giving gifts can sometimes include elements of coercion
Why certain gifts are great to give but not to get review by Dr. Galak
Reflected appraisals from gifts study by Dr. Ashworth
30:00: (Paul) Essentialized beliefs about gender differences are linked to relationship difficulties
Gender-essentialism and relationship maladjustment study by Dr. Eidelson
Misconceptions in the movie
31:30: (Paul) Parenthood is much more challenging than it appears in this movie
The trauma of parenthood essay by Eli
33:45: (Eli) It’s hard to retain self-respect if our partner is treating us cruelly and doesn’t make amends
The doormat effect study by Dr. Luchies
Certain forms of criticism are tantamount to psychological abuse study by Dr. Straus
“Are we ok with this?”
40:00: (Paul) The advice that “the personal is the political” is risky for relationship well-being, but so is being oblivious to political realities
41:20: (Eli) Are the messages this trilogy sends about relationships likely to be helpful vs. harmful for viewers’ own relationships?
Relationship Quotes!
44:50: (Paul) It’s important to seize moments during conflict that can de-escalate
47:55: (Eli) What does “true love” look like?
What do we wish we knew?
48:45: (Paul) Is it productive to think of domestic labor discrepancies in terms of “social loafing”?
Social loafing meta-analysis by Dr. Karau
50:20: (Eli) What is the right etiquette for re-litigating conflict?
Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie
Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships
Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons
Artwork by Katie Keil