Is society prejudiced against single people? How does culture control our sexual behavior? Do we need to find a partner who shares a hyper-specific similarity? Paul and Eli invite Yuthika Girme—one of the world’s foremost experts in the science of both romantic relationships and singlehood—to discuss The Lobster (2015), Yorgos Lanthimos’s deadpan, absurdist, and deeply unsettling romantic satire.
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Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel
Intro
1:25: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?
3:10: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap
4:40: What is our relationship to this movie?
What the movie gets right
8:45: (Yuthika) Society caters to couples at the expense of singles
When, why, and how singles thrive review by Dr. Girme
Societal structures are biased against singles review by Dr. DePaulo
15:25: (Paul) The belief that compatibility derives from one necessary and sufficient attribute is absurd
Similarity is largely irrelevant to initial attraction study by Dr. Tidwell
Similarity is largely irrelevant to marital satisfaction study by Dr. Dyrenforth
The online dating industry is misguided by emphasizing similarity matching review by Eli
People construct post hoc stories of similarity matching study by Dr. Morry
19:25: (Yuthika) People who fear being single are willing to alter themselves to find a partner
Fear of being single is linked to a propensity to settle for less study by Dr. Spielmann
21:00: (Eli) Despite the satirical orientation of the film, it illustrates some relationship best practices
Forming an idiosyncratic relationship microculture is beneficial review by Eli
Providing social support when our partner is in need is beneficial review by Dr. Feeney
Giving costly or personalized gifts demonstrates relationship commitment study by Dr. Griskevicius
22:35: (Yuthika) Some benefits of romantic relationships are hard to replicate in other relationships
Even happy single people report that they’re missing out on some important things study by Ms. Dennett
Misconceptions in the movie
27:30: (Yuthika) Most people understand that there are both coupled and single paths to a fulfilling life
Putting romantic relationships on a pedestal predicts bad outcomes study by Ms. Dennett
29:25: (Eli) Taking vacations together is actually a promising path toward relationship closeness
Taking one or two extended leisure annual vacations predicts relationship quality study by Dr. Coffey
Engaging in novel and exciting activities together promotes romantic passion study by Dr. Muise
31:15: (Paul) Relationship ambivalence is a harbinger of trouble
A model of relationship ambivalence by Dr. Righetti
32:45: (Eli) Relationship commitment (“We’ll find a way”) is linked to relationship persistence
Commitment predicts willingness to sacrifice study by Dr. Van Lange
Greater relationship commitment is linked to lower breakup rates study by Dr. Rusbult
34:55: (Yuthika) A single life isn’t equivalent to a solitary life
Single people see family and friendships as a life necessity study by Dr. Park
Single people invest in their friendships more than coupled people study by Dr. Fisher
“Are we ok with this?”
36:05: (Paul) It’s fraught when films inflict violence on pets
37:15: (Yuthika) It’s terrifying for the state to interfere in people’s romantic and sexual lives
38:25: (Eli) It’s terrifying when people delude themselves into the belief that imposing their own morality is righteous
Relationship Quotes!
40:05: (Yuthika) Certain societal choices make it painful to be single
42:05: (Paul) When we’re forming a new relationship, we want to feel special
43:10: (Eli) Having children is not a promising pathway toward resolving relationship conflict
What do we wish we knew?
46:15: (Eli) Is it easier to deliberately increase or decrease our romantic desire for someone?
47:10: (Yuthika) How do state policies influence relationship formation?
49:35: (Paul) Under what circumstances are people willing to make “the ultimate sacrifice” for their relationship?
Stars (1–5): Yuthika, Paul, and Eli rate the quality of the movie
Rusbults (1–5): Yuthika, Paul, and Eli rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships
Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons
Artwork by Katie Keil
A major theme I got from the movie is you have a limited time to find someone and you’re wasting it. The people at the hotel have 45 days which puts that in sharper contrast and yet they waste time not making opportunities to meet someone.
You can think of someone who wants kids and time is ticking. I feel like people in a long term relationship or with the luck to have a social situation that makes it easier to meet someone, forget how hard it can be.
As an example, in my own life, none of my friends had friends to introduce me to as most of them were relatively introverted. My jobs were all for companies that were 95% men so a social activity with them never included any potential partners. Compared to friends working in a more mixed job who’s social activities included much more potential.
The idea was constantly repeated “it will happen when it happens”. It never did (60 now) and I regret not making more of an effort. The movie put that in focus since characters had a hard deadline.